Have you ever met a kid who has no filter? They just say whatever comes to mind. They never stop to think how their words may hurt others. Have you met any adults like that? I know I’ve come across many kids like that and a few adults too. In fact, I used to be a lot like that when I was younger. I thought I was being honest, but I failed to understand that what I said and how I said it could hurt others, even if it was not my intention. 

What Does James Have To Say

James‬ ‭3:1-12‬ (‭ESV) teaches us all about controlling our words. 

“Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.”

‭‭‬‬Words Have Power

We must realize that we have great power in the words we speak. We must choose our words wisely, lest they become like a fire that sets a whole forest ablaze. Just as a huge ship is controlled by a small rudder, or a majestic horse is guided by a bit placed in its mouth, so we have great power in our tongue. We have the power to build others up or tear them down. 

Proverbs gives us a similar caution when Solomon said, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:21‬ (‭ESV). We have the ability to create the death of a relationship with our words. I’ve seen many people struggle in their relationships with their spouse, children, other family members, and even friends all because they have not learned how to filter their words or use caution in the words they use. 

An Interesting Dream

I recently had a dream where this principle is shown. In my dream there were two girls. We will call them Julie and Sandra. It was known that these girls were once very close, but something I wasn’t made aware of in the dream happened that put tension in their relationship. Julie approached Sandra and demanded, “How are you going to support me?” The way she said this was not a friendly, “Hey, I need some support; how can you support me?” It was a dare and a threat. It wouldn’t have mattered how Sandra answered. Julie was set on using Sandra’s answer as fuel against her. Julie seemed to be looking for more reasons to prove her perception about Sandra was right: that Sandra didn’t care about anyone except herself. Sandra didn’t answer Julie and walked away. 

It wasn’t that Sandra didn’t love and care about Julie. It was quite the opposite. By walking away and refusing to engage in the threat given by Julie, Sandra was in fact protecting the relationship. Sandra chose to use the wisdom from Proverbs 21:23 (NLT), “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” Sandra refused to answer Julie’s accusatory question.

This is exactly what the Lord told me was the lesson in this dream. He said, “Don’t answer accusations, because if you do, you are playing into the enemy’s hand.” It was like a lightbulb went off in my mind. I understood that when people accuse me of something, I must refrain from making excuses for myself. If I choose to remain silent like Sandra did, I will keep the power. My accuser will not have more fuel for the fire of proving their lie about my character or motivations behind what I do and say. 

Choose Your Words Carefully

There are ways of expressing needs without turning it into a war. My husband and I have promised each other to think that we each have the other’s best interest at heart. So in those moments when one of us speaks in an unkind way, we don’t take it personally. Instead we seek to learn the true heart of the other.  

One such moment happened over the Christmas break. It was a day when I was extremely tired and hormonal all at once. I was just needing some time without talking to anyone or taking care of everyone else’s needs. If you are a lady, I’m sure you know what I mean. I stuck around to do Bible and say goodnight to the kids and then plopped myself in bed. Brett puts the kids to bed every night. He goes to each of their rooms and chats with them about their day. When Brett finished talking to the kids and came in, I knew he would want to cuddle and talk. I just couldn’t do it that night. I told him I needed space. He understood and went to his side of the bed and read a book. This is an example of good communication. 

The Wrong Way

On the flip side, what would have happened if Brett came in, wanting to cuddle and talk and I said, “Go away! You always invade my space and never give me any room. You are just like the kids, always demanding everything of me. All of you are so selfish. You never think about how I might be feeling.” Brett would have still known I needed space. That message would be loud and clear.

However, the way I communicated this need would have torn him down and made him feel like he is always a burden to me. He would have been deeply hurt by these words. It would show just what Proverbs 12:18 (ESV) describes, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” I would have damaged our relationship. If I continued to speak like this over and over to him, we wouldn’t have any relationship after a while. I would eventually tear him down so much, he would start to distance himself from me. Eventually the distance would be so great that complete separation would be an easy and likely option. 

There Is A Time To Keep Silent

Be cautious how you speak to others. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you tame your tongue. Remember, there are times when it is ok not to respond at all. If anyone comes at you in an accusing way, it’s ok to just not respond. You can even say, “I can’t answer that right now,” and walk away. Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:7b‬ ‭(ESV‬‬) tells us there is “… a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” Sometimes the best thing we can do in a relationship is to keep silent. 

When it is time to speak up, remember to use words carefully. We don’t want to be accusatory either. There is a great book Brett and I read a few years ago that addresses how to speak to others in an uplifting and healing way. It’s called Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk. I highly recommend reading it if you need to learn how to communicate in a loving and healing way, even when those we are speaking to may not respond in the same way. A friend of ours calls it “relationship ninja skills,” and I agree!

Be blessed my friend. Know that even if/when we speak words in incorrect ways, we have the ability to humble ourselves and apologize for our careless words. I know I’ve had to do that many times, and I’m sure I’ll have to do it again in the future. 

Is there anyone who you need to apologize for speaking harshly or accusingly toward? I encourage you to call or write them a letter apologizing for your careless words. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit for the right words to say, and then pray He will work in their lives to receive the words you say in the proper manner. 

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