Last time we were together we took a deep dive into what it means for children (even adult children) to honor their parents. We broke the word apart and attempted to truly understand the meaning of this word in the Hebrew language.
Today we are going further in this study and we are going to find out if there is a difference between honoring our parents and submitting to them.
Difference Between Submit and Honor
In Ephesians 6:1-3 (ESV) we are told, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.””
As children we are told to obey our parents. We are then reminded to honor our father and mother. According to the Blue Letter Bible, in the Greek the word for honor here means: to revere, fix a valuation upon, or value. So we see here that this definition echoes the meaning of the Hebrew word. We are called to revere, value, and place value on the position of mother and father.
However, we are given an additional command right before we are told to honor our parents. “Children obey your parents.” Children are to do what their parents tell them to do, even if they don’t agree. Another way to say this is that children are to submit to the authority of their parents. In the relationship between parent and child, the child is told to listen and obey the commands of their parents. As a mom, I expect my children to do just that. When I tell them they need to sit here, I expect them to obey. This is not to say that children should never question the reasoning of their parents. It seems that there are some kids who just needs to understand the reasoning behind what they are told to do.
My youngest daughter is this way. When she was a toddler and I would tell her to sit in a specific spot, she would want to know the why behind it. Why does she need to sit here and not there? Why does she need to sit at all? Why can’t she stand? She didn’t ask these questions because she was rebellious, rather she just wanted to understand where I was coming from and what I was thinking. Unfortunately for her, she is the youngest and only 3 years younger than the oldest with a brother in between. I didn’t always have time to tell her the why behind my commands. Because of this, she was forced to learn to sometimes obey without question.
Obeying without questioning is a good skill for a child to learn. Just think if she was running and I saw something dangerous about to happen. When I tell her to stop, I need her to stop right then and there. If she were to question me about why, she may get hurt. So just because you have a child who seems to just need to know the whys, doesn’t mean you have to always give them your reasoning. I do believe we need to teach children that their voices matter, and thus listen and answer their questions. However, when I tell you to sit here, I expect you to submit to my authority and sit there, not here.
What About Adults
What happens when the child becomes an adult? Are they still required to submit to their mother and father? No. We are still commanded to honor, to respect their position as our parents, but we are not told to submit. Honor and submission are different. In fact, we are told in Genesis 2:24 (ESV), “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Guess what the word leave means? According to the Blue Letter Bible this word means: to depart from, leave behind, set free.
When the child becomes an adult, the submitting portion of the relationship is set free. The parent sets the child free to make their own decisions, and the child sets the parents free from making all the decisions for them.
Daughter Graduating
For example, my oldest daughter is going to become an adult in July. It will be up to her to decide what to do after she graduates from high school. It’s her responsibility to seek the Lord for direction regarding what to do afterwards. Does she go to college or get a job? If she goes to college, where? It would be unfair to her for me to tell her those things. As a parent I have also sought the Lord regarding these decisions, and I do have an idea of what the Lord is saying about my daughter. However, it is up to her to make the final decision. I choose to set her free to seek the Lord and decide for herself the path he has for her. I of course will help her and tell her what I think when she asks, but she must ask first.
Marriage
So when a man marries his wife, they are to leave behind their commitments of submitting to their parents and submit to each other. Remember, True submission is empowering others to fulfill their God-given roles. As husbands and wives, we are to empower each other to fulfill their God-given roles just like we see in the relationship between Jesus and the Father.
Submission is not becoming like a robot or slave and obeying every wish of those you submit to. True submission is looking at the other person and seeing Jesus in them, and then drawing Jesus out of that person. It’s seeing the calling the other person has on their life and fostering and nurturing that calling. Submission is empowering the other person to fulfill their God-given identity and calling. Submission is seeing what Jesus sees when he looks at that person. It’s all about glorifying the Father just as Jesus glorified the Father through submitting to the will of the Father while he lived on the earth.
What Happens if our Parents are Abusive
Unfortunately there are circumstances where a parent is not the loving, nurturing parent God calls them to be. Instead they are harsh and abusive. What then? Do we still honor them? Do we still submit to them and obey if they are telling us to do something illegal or immoral? How do we, as Christians, navigate these sort of situations?
First, we use a ton of prayer and discernment. If you are an adult and have abusive parents you must use extreme discretion as to how far you allow them into your lives. What is the definition of abusive? I find the description
“For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.” 2 Timothy 3:2-5 (ESV)
If there are people in your life who fit this description, avoid them. It doesn’t matter if they are friends, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, or parents. Did you notice one of the descriptors is abusive? What does this word mean in Greek? Blue Letter Bible tells us this word means: speaking evil, slanderous, reproachful, railing, and abusive. If you have a parent who speaks evil about you or slanders you to other people, it’s ok to avoid such people. In fact it’s Biblical.
Just remember, while we can avoid our parents if they are abusive, we are still called to honor their position. How do we do that? Well, we start with NOT slandering them or speaking evil about them to others. If they have done something illegal, go tell the police and allow them to deal with it. Do not take all your grievances to the internet and air out all the evil things they have done to you. Rise above their evil tactics and show them love and honor.
This is not to say you have to continue to see them or speak to them. After all the Bible does say, “Avoid such people.” Recall what Romans 12:19-21(ESV) says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
How to Overcome Evil
You overcome evil with good by forgiving your parents for the evil things they have done to you or said about you. Overcoming evil with good is surrendering completely those hurts to Jesus and allowing him to heal those parts of you. Protect yourself against further abuse, while seeking forgiveness and healing through the blood of Jesus. By forgiving and healing you are heaping burning coals on the heads of those demonic spirits who want to pass down the abuse to the next generation. Be the one who forever changes the family tree. Change it from one of rottenness and damage to healing and sweetness. You can do it. This is only accomplished through forgiveness and healing.
Lastly, pray for your parents. Pray that the seeds of forgiveness and healing will take root inside them. Pray they turn to Jesus for healing and forgiveness. After all, if a parent can be abusive to their own child, they too need deliverance and salvation.
Even if you have amazing parents, pray for them. Pray they will be all who Jesus created them to be. This is the best way to honor your parents regardless of your age.
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