What does it mean to be a submissive wife? We read in Ephesians 5 that wives are to submit to their husbands. What does that mean? How does that look in a practical sense? Does it mean the husband is supposed to make all the decisions, and the wife silently agrees? What if the wife sees what should be done in another way? Should she speak up? If she does speak up, is she “going against” her husband? Let’s take a look at what the Bible says about the relationship between husbands and wives. I love the way the Message version describes the husband and wife relationship in Ephesians 5:21-33:

“Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.” ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5:21-33‬ (‭MSG) (emphasis added)‬‬

Submission Is Not

Wives are supposed to “support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.” We are to support them, not comply with their every whim. I have had women come to me and wonder if they are being unsubmissive if they question their husbands in any way. There are men out there, who love Jesus, but are confused what it means for their wife to be submissive. Let’s make it clear what submission is NOT.

1. Submission is NOT the man making every decision. Yes, you, as the wife, have a say of where you live, what you do with your time, who you have as friends, how to discipline the children, and anything else that comes up. Your voice matters. Your voice is valuable. What you think and feel are important. 
2. Submission is NOT changing the essence of who you are to please your husband. God created you to be you, not someone your husband (or anyone else) decides you should be. I’ve been watching this couple on Youtube who like to prank each other. The wife dyed his hair pink one time. He got her back by hiding all her shoes and replaced them with fish flops. The pranks are all harmless. This couple likes doing one better each time. While this is something I would never be ok with in my marriage, it’s something they obviously enjoy, and I suppose it brings them closer. For the husband to tell the wife she can’t prank him ever again, would be telling her to be someone she isn’t. He loves her just the way she is (and vice versa). 
3. Submission is NOT doing whatever your husband wants, when he wants it. That is the definition of a slave. You are definitely NOT a slave. 
4. Submission is NOT standing by while your husband does whatever he wants with no regard for how you may feel or any obligations he has. For example, he may want to have a weekend alone and just up and leave. You are then expected to pick up the pieces and cover for his responsibilities. You are not his doormat. You are not his savior. If he chooses to be irresponsible, that is his choice, and he needs to be the one to face the consequences. While you can’t control what he does, you do have a say in how you react to those actions. It’s ok to sit back and let him reap what he sows. 

How Should A Wife Be Treated

Did you notice how the husband is supposed to treat his wife? 

He is supposed to, “provide leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing.” His love for his wife is, “a love marked by giving, not getting.” “Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her…” This description sure doesn’t sound like he makes all the decisions, and she just silently agrees. He is to cherish his wife, his love is marked with giving, and he speaks words that bring out her best.

He is to love and cherish his wife, cleansing her with the washing of water with the Word. This means he prays scripture over his wife, talks about the Bible with her (this means it is a two way conversation), and he declares the truth of who God says she is by using the Word of God. The husband provides leadership to his family the way Christ does to the church. He empowers his wife to fulfill her godly calling. 

A Husband Is Like A Roof

We are to keep in mind that the husband is the covering for his wife, much like a roof is able to protect the contents inside the home. So the husband is the covering for his wife, just as the roof takes on the elements, such as hail, harsh wind, etc. The husband is created to protect his wife from the harsh outside world. The wife is like the beautiful things inside the house that would get damaged by outside weather if the roof wasn’t there. With the roof protecting the contents of the home, the beautiful things inside the home can function at their best. So it is between the husband and wife. He is her roof, protecting her so she can do what she does best. 

What A Submissive Wife Does

What does a submissive wife look like? Let’s hop over to Proverbs 31 and take a look at what this ideal wife does. 

“A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises. She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day. She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.

First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day. She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking. She’s quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor.

She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear. She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks. Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers. She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops. Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.

When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly. She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: “Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!” Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves! Adorn her life with praises!” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭31:10-31‬ ‭(MSG) (emphasis added)‬‬

The Life Of A Submissive Wife

A submissive wife is busy! Did you catch all this ideal wife does? First, she is worth “far more than diamonds.” She knows her value and lives her life in a way that tells everyone around her she expects to be treated as such. 

Second, she is trustworthy and treats her husband with kindness and generously loves him everyday of her life. She is selfless in showing love to her husband. 

Next, she takes care of the needs of her family. She makes sure they have proper clothing, ensures they have a proper diet, she even buys and sells property to make sure her family has places to live and grow, and she saves the leftover money for the future. 

Once she makes sure her family is well taken care of, she looks outside her home to help those who need assistance. She is there for her friends when they need support. Because she is filled with the Holy Spirit, she speaks with kindness and makes sure what she has to say is worthwhile. 

She allows her husband to be the leader God created him to be. This includes providing space for him to be the leader both spiritually and practically in their home. She encourages him to excel in his job. She gives him room to lead others outside the home, and shows with her words and actions that she knows he is a great leader, both inside the home and out in society. Proverbs tells us, “Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers.” This husband has learned the confidence of leading his wife and children, and has taken those skills to work to become a well respected leader in society. His wife has helped to build his confidence in leadership by submitting to his biblical leadership.  

Finally, she is a woman who “lives in the Fear-of-God.” She knows she submits to God first and foremost. He is her king, and she does what the king tells her to do. 

I pray this helps you have a clearer picture of what God desires for a husband and wife relationship. We are supposed to be a reflection of the relationship between Jesus and the church. Marriage is one way God wants to show a lost world what true love looks like. 

What Does Jesus Say About You

Always remember you are more valuable than all the money, gems, and all other costly things in this world. Jesus sees you and says, “That’s my girl. I love her more than my own life. I cherish her and protect her. She is the beautiful, strong, and powerful woman I created her to be. I will lead her by showing her at every opportunity the value she has. Never will I force her to do what I want, but will instead draw the best version of herself out. I will give her all she needs to be the woman I created her to be. Then I will show her off to the world as my beautiful bride, perfect and unblemished.”