Originally posted 3/6/20
At some point we are all faced with the sting of rejection. Rejection may come from a friend on the playground who doesn’t want to be our friend any longer, or it could be a parent walking out of our life, never to be seen again. Rejection is hard, however it comes.
Like you, I have been faced with rejection in the past. As a little girl I started to believe the lie that I had to agree with whatever my friends said in order to be liked. I also knew that lying was wrong, so I was forced to start liking things because my friends liked them, even though I never really liked those things. For example, when I was in elementary school, my best friend at the time told me she liked cats. In an effort to be agreeable I told her that I liked cats too. To be honest, I didn’t really have a preference when it came to cats. I neither liked nor disliked them, but since she liked them and I wanted to be her friend, I told her that I liked them too. So began my “love” of cats. I started to decorate my room with cat pictures, got stuffed cats for gifts, and wore shirts with cats on them. As far as my friends and family were concerned, I was a cat lover. I’m sure if I told my family that I never really liked cats, they would be shocked. This is just one small, silly example of how the fear of rejection took root in my life.
Rejection is the root of what can turn into insecurity. Over time I became so concerned with not being rejected that I became extremely insecure in who God created me to be. As I got older the root of insecurity took over. By the time I was in my twenties I was so insecure, I no longer had a clue of who the real Cherise was. I became a chameleon. I learned to emulate the behaviors of my friends and family in an effort to be liked by them. I no longer had any concept of disagreeing with what anyone said. Of course, this behavior only got me so far. After awhile my authentic self would begin to emerge. When this happened, my friends would no longer want to be in my life. Part of this rejection came because I attracted friends who liked to be in charge of the relationship. I was attracted to women who were also extremely insecure and hurt-both physically and emotionally- by people who proclaimed to love them in the past. As a defense these women became controlling, and since I was easy to control, it was a “perfect” friendship. Well, “perfect” for an eventual storm to take place! Looking back I can totally see why these friends ended up rejecting me. I’m sure that they were really confused how a soft spoken, easy to manipulate girl, seemed to suddenly change, and was no longer able to be manipulated. It was when I could no longer hold my mouth shut that I would finally disagree with something they said, and the fireworks would commence.
Over time this insecurity grew into something even worse. Pride. Though I didn’t see it at the time, my insecurity led me to start judging others and criticizing how other people did things. Like how they raised their kids, picked their careers, anything that didn’t fit into my legalistic viewpoint was up for judgement. My insecurity would never allow me to say these thoughts aloud to them, but you better believe I would go home and rant to my husband about what so and so was doing, and why it was totally the wrong decision.
Thankfully, I serve a God who won’t allow me to stay in that mindset forever. Slowly he started showing me how wrong I was for criticizing my friends behind their back. I did get to a point where I was much more forgiving and could see why my way of doing things wasn’t the best for everyone. However, I still hadn’t dealt with the root of my critical attitude. That would come a few years down the road.
A few years ago my husband discovered the truth about our identity in Christ. This revelation has revolutionized our life. I saw such a dramatic change in his thinking, that I knew that I needed to make this truth a part of who I am too. I started asking God to show me what he sees when he looks at me. Slowly God started to show me who I really am. Because I now have a better understanding of who my authentic self is, I am better at being bold and I can even disagree with others. There are still moments when I am tempted to just be agreeable so that I can keep the peace, but I am better equipped to speak the truth in love. I then have the power to love people, even when/if they reject me.
I encourage you to prayerfully look at your life. Has rejection caused you to become insecure? Do you feel like you have to have the approval of everyone around you? Is it difficult for you to speak truth into someone’s life without judgment or fear of how the person will react? Is it hard to accept the loving correction of God and others in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have some insecurity. Pray and ask God to show you how to overcome this insecurity so that it doesn’t become pride. Perhaps you look at other people’s lives and judge their choices. That family has too many kids, or not enough kids. How can that mother make that decision for her child/family? Why would anyone choose to do fill in the blank? How can that person do such a thing and still call themselves a Christian? Those are all thoughts that are rooted in pride. Please, please, please talk to God about it. That thinking is dangerous, and I really don’t want you to have to suffer the consequences of pride.
As a child of God, you have the power to overcome rejection, insecurity, and pride. All it takes is changing your mindset, and asking God to give you the power to think like he thinks about yourself and others. Trust me, you will be so thankful that you chose to change the way you think about relationships. It may not always be easy, but I promise it will be worth it!
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