We are going to continue our study on how Jesus dealt with the toxic people that came into his life. We looked at how Jesus dealt with his family when they thought he lost his mind, and the time when one of Jesus’ closest friends became a toxic person in his life.
Today, we are going to shift to a whole group of people who were toxic in the life and ministry of Jesus. Who are these people? The religious people of the time.
Near the end of his time on earth, Jesus started being attacked by the religious leaders. You see, Jesus was a threat to their way of life, and they didn’t like it one little bit!
When I taught this lesson in person I used clips from the show The Chosen season 5, episode 3. I encourage you to watch this because it just gives a whole new perspective to the interactions we are discussing today.
The Pharisees Question the Authority of Jesus
The Pharisees and Sadducees did not like Jesus one little bit. There came a time when the threat of Jesus became too much for them and they made it their goal to embarrass Jesus in front of his followers. They believed if they could prove that Jesus was a fraud, then they could regain the control and power they once held over the common people.
The first tactic we are going to look at is when they questioned Jesus about where his authority came from:
“One day, as Jesus was teaching the people in the temple and preaching the gospel, the chief priests and the scribes with the elders came up and said to him, “Tell us by what authority you do these things, or who it is that gave you this authority.” He answered them, “I also will ask you a question. Now tell me, was the baptism of John from heaven or from man?” And they discussed it with one another, saying, “If we say, ‘From heaven,’ he will say, ‘Why did you not believe him?’ But if we say, ‘From man,’ all the people will stone us to death, for they are convinced that John was a prophet.” So they answered that they did not know where it came from. And Jesus said to them, “Neither will I tell you by what authority I do these things.” Luke 20:1-8 (ESV)
How did Jesus Handle This?
What did Jesus do to counter the attack on his identity, and purpose? Jesus asks questions to avoid needless arguing. By asking questions Jesus got those who came to accuse and embarrass him to think. He turned the tables on these pious people.
Questions are a powerful tool. It causes you, who are under attack, to remain in control and prevents you from becoming defensive.
If Jesus had simply said, “I get my authority from my Father.” The Pharisees would have wanted clarification regarding who Jesus’ father is. It would have caused a back and forth that was meant only to trap Jesus and make him look like the bad guy in this interaction.
This is the intention of toxic people in your life. They will ask a seemingly innocent question, but the question is far beyond innocent. It’s a very deliberate question meant to make you look like a fool, and get you defensive.
Being defensive is your worst enemy when dealing with toxic people. When you become defensive, you begin to lose control of yourself. You actually hand over the power and control to the very person who is against you.
By asking questions back to the Pharisees, Jesus remained in control of his emotions, and kept control of the direction of the conversation.
Jesus Asked About Taxes
Next, the leaders sought to get Jesus in trouble with the Roman government. They thought they had come up with a question that would make either the Roman government mad at Jesus or the followers of Jesus mad. They were wrong!
“The scribes and the chief priests sought to lay hands on him at that very hour, for they perceived that he had told this parable against them, but they feared the people. So they watched him and sent spies, who pretended to be sincere, that they might catch him in something he said, so as to deliver him up to the authority and jurisdiction of the governor. So they asked him, “Teacher, we know that you speak and teach rightly, and show no partiality, but truly teach the way of God. Is it lawful for us to give tribute to Caesar, or not?” But he perceived their craftiness, and said to them, “Show me a denarius. Whose likeness and inscription does it have?” They said, “Caesar’s.” He said to them, “Then render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they were not able in the presence of the people to catch him in what he said, but marveling at his answer they became silent.” Luke 20:19-26 (ESV)
The leaders started out with a false compliment: “We know you speak and teach rightly, and show no partiality.” They didn’t believe the words coming out of their mouths. This “compliment” was meant to get Jesus to think they were on his side and get him off guard for the real question.
The toxic person in your life will give false compliments to make you think they are on your side. The reason for these compliments is to gain control back and to have your trust.
Then they will ask you something that is meant once again to make you look like a fool, and get you defensive.
In this case the Pharisees asked Jesus what he thought about paying taxes. Why? Because in their view no matter how Jesus answered he would anger someone. Again, we see Jesus answering their entramping question with a question of his own.
He turned the question back on them, and forced them to give an answer.
When the toxic person in your life does this, remember how Jesus dealt with it. He didn’t really engage with them. Instead he turned the tables back on the Pharisees. This takes asking the Holy Spirit how to answer such questions. So keep close to the Holy Spirit when interacting with toxic people in your life. I like to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to speak through me and speak clearly to me when interacting with toxic people.
There Comes a Time to Shut it Down
There comes a time when it is no longer profitable to interact with the toxic person. Jesus knew this and did just that. He was pushed to the point where he let these people know exactly who their leaders were. For this we go to Matthew 23. This is where the seven woes are found.
Jesus tells the people there that the leaders are prideful, and hypocrites. He reveals the true motives of their leaders, and it’s not pretty.
Jesus says they shut the door to the kingdom to others. Not only do they shut others out, but they themselves refuse to enter into the kingdom of God.
“But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in.” Matthew 23:13 (ESV)
They go to the trouble of traveling to far off places to convert a single person, but in the end they make that person “twice a child of hell” as they are. That’s a pretty heavy indictment!
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel across sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves.” Matthew 23:15 (ESV)
Jesus calls these leaders blind guides because they proclaim that oaths only matter if the oath is made by the gold in the temple. Jesus says in another place to let your yes be yes and your no be no. These leaders are placing more value on the things in the temple rather than the one who the temple is built for.
“Woe to you, blind guides, who say, ‘If anyone swears by the temple, it is nothing, but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.’” Matthew 23:16 (ESV)
Jesus then gets onto them for being such sticklers for tithing, but fail to care about the important matters such as justice and mercy.
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others.” Matthew 23:23 (ESV)
Next, Jesus tells them that they make the outside of themselves look good, but they are rotten on the inside because they are full of greed and self-indulgence.
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.” Matthew 23:25 (ESV)
Jesus tells them that they are like whitewashed tombs, which is really just another way of saying that they look good on the outside, but they are dead on the inside.
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness.” Matthew 23:27 (ESV)
Jesus then tells them that they think they are all high and mighty and better than their ancestors, but in fact they are just like them. If the prophets of old lived in their day, they would kill them just like their ancestors did.
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you build the tombs of the prophets and decorate the monuments of the righteous, saying, ‘If we had lived in the days of our fathers, we would not have taken part with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.’” Matthew 23:29-30 (ESV)
Jesus then calls these guys a brood of vipers who are being sentenced to hell. Now, that’s a HUGE insult! Jesus is basically telling them they are no better than the great deceiver, Satan and going to the same place he is going to.
“You serpents, you brood of vipers, how are you to escape being sentenced to hell?” Matthew 23:33 (ESV)
What was Jesus Really Doing?
There comes a time when it is time to shut down talking to toxic people. In this interaction Jesus does a few things.
- He makes known what is truly in the hearts of these people. They are not for the people, but against them. They believe they are better than everyone else because of their status.
- He reveals the true motives of what the Pharisees do. They work hard to convert people, but in the end they only “make them twice as much a child of hell as yourself.”
- He reveals who they really serve, and what they will actually do and would have done in the days of the Old Testament prophets.
The End Results
They turn and run. The toxic person can not face the truth. They run and hide from the truth. They live in a life of lies and just like when darkness meets the light and is pushed out of the way, so do these people cower and hide when faced with truth.
I have seen this time and time again in my life. When I finally confront the toxic person in my life with the truth, they always run away and hide. They sometimes hide for a time and then come back humbled, but more often than not they run and hide and I don’t see them again.
Fair warning: When you finally confront a toxic person and they turn away from you, you can be certain that they are telling others about the horrible person you are. They need others to be on their side and will lie and do whatever is necessary to get others to turn against you and stand with them in solidarity.
Jesus Does the Most Important Thing of all PRAY
Jesus led a life of prayer. You can be sure he didn’t confront these toxic people without being prayed up first! Here are just a few verses that talk about Jesus praying:
- “But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.” Luke 5:16 (ESV)
- “In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God.” Luke 6:12 (ESV)
- “And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone,” Matthew 14:23 (ESV)
How do you deal with the toxic people in your life?
You do as Jesus does.
1. When cornered by the toxic person with questions meant to trap you, you turn the question back on them. Ask questions. Ask questions to diffuse the situation, remain in control of your emotions, and the conversation. You refuse to allow the toxic person to have control of your emotions and the situation as a whole.
2. Don’t be fooled by false compliments. These are compliments meant to give you a false sense of security. Recognize that they don’t mean a word they are saying. They are simply realizing they have lost control and are trying to regain control by any means necessary. Also, don’t lower yourself to their level of responding with sarcasm and demeaning reactions.
3. There comes a time when you will need to confront the toxic person in your life. This may not be pretty, but it is necessary. After all the time and patience of trying to be in a relationship with this person, you may need to reveal the truth to them. They will not like it one bit. They will likely turn on you and try to turn others against you as well. You must be prepared for this if you decide it’s time to confront them.
4. Above all else: pray. Pray continually for them. Begin when you first discover the mess they bring to your life. Pray for them to get healing from the trauma they endured to get to this place. Pray for wisdom of the timing of confronting them. Pray for discernment of what to say and what to not say. Pray for them when they turn on you. Never stop praying for God to heal them and free them from the bondage that helps to create the toxic behavior in this person. Pray for the Lord to bless them with revelation of who he created them to be. Pray.
5. Ask the Lord to help you clean up the mess that the toxic person created in your life. Know that you are not alone. Jesus is with you. He knows exactly what you are feeling because he felt it too. Know that Jesus will and has brought others into your life to help you clean up the mess too.
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